Wayward
by afinedilemma
Summary: In the dark, I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound, but then it stopped and I was in the darkness. So darkness I became. Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too. So I stayed in the darkness with you. Gaara fanfic. The lyrics were perfect, judge if you must...
1. Wayward

_Tck. Tck. Tck._

I love the sound of rain. Perhaps I am a bit biased, but it's just so soothing. My eyes are getting heavier the longer I sit here. It's not very often I find a spot like this. Everything is perfect. There's just enough shade, the tree I'm in is very old and seems larger than life and fits to my body perfectly, the leaves catch the rain almost in a musical way and keep me dry, and it's just so peaceful and beautiful out here.

I really could just go to sleep… it's been weeks since I've had more than an hour or so of sleep in a night. My body aches and my eyes burn; it feels like fire every time I blink. God knows I could use some sleep, but if I do I'll get lost and even though there seems to be not a soul around, someone could get hurt. I hate it so much. I lose control when I sleep and so I've trained myself to be a light sleeper, because anyone that's within reach can, and usually will, get hurt. Even though I've trained myself not to fully sleep, when I get like this I might fall all of the way asleep regardless, because I'm so exhausted. Either way, there's still a risk for anyone that might be around, because, although I've worked pretty hard at it, staying semi-conscious while asleep is easier said than done.

My entire body feels heavy. I try to move my arms and it's like moving wet sand… it's useless. I've let myself get too comfortable and sat here too long. *sigh* Well, it looks like I'll be asleep soon no matter what.

The wind blows and the rain gets heavier. The sound rushes through my brain, clearing out my thoughts. Whatever I was thinking about is gone now… I was worried about something earlier, but what? …it must not have been too important. All well.

…

[I'm running. My heart is racing, I can feel it shaking my entire chest. I can hear my pulse in my ears and my footsteps are dry and loud. Why am I running? Where am I? Everything is dark. At first all I can see it the dark pavement that I'm running on and then the rest starts to fade in. First I see the dark, shadowy trees like lace against a dark, blood red sky. The moon is overhead, but isn't lit. It's almost like someone cut it out of the sky and you can see the hole where it used to be… but why am I running?

I look back and everything snaps into place. Suddenly I'm in a dark room, but I'm not alone. It's staring at me, its eyes consuming me. I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out as my body is lifted and starts toward the beast. I claw at the air, anything to try and stop this. Make it stop.]

I wake with a start. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing. Everything is too bright to bear. I look down and the tree I'm setting in is now marred where I've clawed it in my sleep. The rain has stopped, tiny little water droplets float all about me. I clench my fists and exhale, the water droplets fall. I guess it's time to move on.

I am a nomad, a gypsy, a misfit… I don't really belong anywhere. I've heard that many villages have someone like me, someone who bears the curse of a monster, but my village, my village shunned me. They hated me. People tried killing me, no-one would talk to me, but better than all of that was that they feared me and I don't even really know why. I suppose it's not completely lost to me. I mean I can't sleep with anyone around and the monster inside me killed both of my parents. I never did a thing though… actually I was always trying my best to do good and control what was inside me. But no-one really saw that, so I wonder… it's easier that way.

I get to travel and go places I've never been and meet people who have no idea who I am. It's nice. I keep moving though, because I've learned the hard way that if you stay in one spot too long, your past catches up with you. I've seen beautiful places and sad places, busy places and peaceful places. The last place I saw was a sad one though. Many people had just died in an attack and almost as many were injured. I'm not too sure what was going on, but they seemed like strong people. Everyone was fighting together and doing what they could. They even lost their leader as he died defending them. I helped as much as I could healing people, as I've learned through my many travels. I'm certain that those people will be alright; they have the spirit to carry on, they have perseverance.

I left, though, as I always do. I made sure that I had helped as many as I could before leaving Konoha. I'm not too sure where I'll stop next, but right now it seems as though I'm headed towards a desert. I'm not really one for hot weather, but hopefully by the time I actually reach desert land it'll be dark and I can travel through the better conditions. Or at least, in my opinion, they are better.

 **Author's notes:**

 **So there's the first chapter. I've never done this before, so sorry if you don't like it. I'm just getting started though, so more to come later...**


	2. Monsters

Somehow the desert was still sticky and hot… can it be hot _and_ cold at the same time? I decided not to stray from the path I was already on, so I ended up in the sand village. I expected such a place to be hot, miserable, and unappealing, but it is actually quite nice despite the heat. The town is quite lovely… really quiet though, like super quiet. It's kind of creepy.

I ended up walking to the hospital; it always happens, it's like I am drawn to them and they are drawn to me. Memories of the last village ran through the back of my mind. At least this place isn't swarming with death and destruction like the last. Still I walk in to look about. I'm sure it seems weird, but I'm used to it and it's really the only place I can go and feel welcome and useful. I actually have a purpose… I mean I'm sure my life has more meaning than wandering around and visiting hospitals, but… I'm not really sure what that extra purpose would be. Maybe there isn't. Maybe this is it. Whatever. It's better than when I lived in my home village. Everyone hated and feared me and wanted me gone, so all I pretty much did was sit around in my dark house and walk around at night because I couldn't sleep and I knew there wouldn't really be anyone to run into.

There's no-one at the nurse's desk, which is weird, so I kind of just meander about. Up one hallway, down another, up one, and down another until I came upon a lot of commotion. There's a bunch of medical staff in the commons area of the emergency sector arguing in what I assume is supposed to be whispers. I can't help but inch closer to hear what they were arguing about but, one by one, they began to notice me and stop. This could quite possibly be the most cliché thing that I have ever experienced in my entire life. To break the unbearable silence I clear my throat and start in a quiet, soft voice that still seemed awkwardly loud and harsh in the all-consuming silence and tension, "Is there… maybe something I could… help with?"

Great. I got a few blinks. Fabulous. I try again, "I'm a medical ninja from Takigakure… I kind of travel a lot and just left the leaf village and helped them with their wounded from a recent attack… if I could be of any assistance…" More blinking. Okay…

One of the men steps forward, "How much do you know about our village?"

"Not much. Just basic information. Like I said, I travel a lot…"

"Do you know of the tailed beasts?"

My heart skips a beat. I can't help it. "Yes."

"Well, in our village, Shukaku is sealed in a young man and right now he is injured. We are trying to find the best way to help him with minimal injury." He narrows his eyes at me.

I tilt my head, slightly confused. "…minimal… injury?" I don't understand.

"He's a monster. He's injured. And stronger than any of us. Helping him is a very difficult task."

I almost flinch at his words, especially 'monster'. It was almost like a slap. I mean, he called him a monster. What a jerk. "I see." They all look pretty anxious. Is he really that scary or is he like me? Both? I don't know, but now I'm curious. "So, you're afraid of getting hurt in the process?

They nod, some of them looking around at each other. Boy people are so weird. What're they checking each other's answer?

"Alright then, I'll take care of it, if you don't mind." I bow, slightly.

The man speaks up again, "You're sure..?"

"Yes. I will be fine and so will he. I think I can handle it." I smile as they stare at me incredulously. If only they knew, but I didn't need them afraid of me too. Then nothing would get done. I head towards the room as everyone parts for me to pass, one by one breaking off to go somewhere else. Some stay; I guess their curiosity just won't let them leave. I feel them watching, so I pull the door closed behind me. I hate it when people gawk. I lift my head to see a young man, about my age, lying on the hospital bed. He doesn't look too good, but it doesn't seem to be anything that can't be treated, or, at least, so far. His sea foam eyes meet mine, such an unusual color and quite beautiful.

"So did you get the short stick? Or did they shove you in here because you are new?" He asks kind of weakly, his expression barely changed. I almost feel like I am getting searched as he stares at me.

"No sir, actually, I volunteered to help…" I bow, slightly, and start to make my way over to assess the damage.

"You volunteered?' He says flatly. He's actually kind of hard to read. Most people are practically transparent to me, but him… I'm starting to get the hang of it, though. It's more of feeling the air, than watching body language.

"Yes, why?" I reach out slowly to check his pulse. He seems quite guarded and, although, he hasn't given me reason to fear him like the others, it's never a bad idea to approach unfamiliar people with caution. Especially ones with a demon supposedly sealed in them.

"Well either you're an idiot, you have a death wish, or you have no idea who I am." His arm tenses a bit at my touch and as I wait to feel a pulse, I become quite confused. I can't feel one. I move my hand and wait. Nothing. I move again and wait. Still nothing. I look up to meet his eyes and he almost smirks.

"They told me a bit about you." He smirks at this. "But, I chose not to pass judgement on people I do not yet know" The smirks slowly fades. "… normally I would be pretty concerned, since I can't seem to find a pulse, but you are obviously alive, so…" I trail off, hoping that I can think of some sort of explanation in my mind… perhaps… Just then, I notice something odd. There are tiny cracks in his skin. What is it, some kind of shield? "Look, I understand that you are injured and you are trying to keep your defenses up, but I cannot help you unless you let me."

What is it about his gaze? He looks away and starts tersely, "I don't need"

I interrupt, slightly agitated, surprise written all over his face. "Look, you wouldn't be here if you didn't need medical attention and I am here to help you, so you might as well let me do what I am trained to do. Right now, I just want to check your pulse, alright?" The shock was gone as quick as it came, but I could definitely see the question in his eyes. Slowly, what looked like sand? Trickled back and away from him off of his body. He had a sand shield? He was wearing sand? Our eyes are still locked as I reach for his wrist again and check his pulse. It is a little off, but he's probably exhausted, low on chakra, and has lost some blood. I take his temperature and check down the list. He just keeps staring at me. "Okay, let's see that gash…" I try to sound more tender this time. He just blinks at me, so I motion for him to sit up a bit so that I can move his shirt out of the way.

He starts to sit up and his forehead wrinkles a bit. "You don't have to"

"I need to be able to see the wound clearly so that I can heal it properly." I say as I move his shirt away from his wound. Yep, it's a good one. I start healing the gash, it shouldn't take too long. It's deep, but not the worst I've seen.

"You're not from here, are you? Everyone here is terrified of me. Not even the medical staff are willing to approach me…" I can feel him staring.

I look around the room behind him and then back down at my hands, not wanting to meet his gaze. I'm not used to being around someone who can actually read people, like me. "No. I am from Takigakure," I start, "but I haven't been there in a long time. I tend to travel a lot, have for several years now. I just kind of do this…" I shrug. "Everywhere." I look up and almost meet his gaze. "I also don't really get scared very easy. Sorry to disappoint" I kind of laugh, hopefully he gets my humor. He just stares at me with a blank expression… maybe not.

"Why?" I can feel his heart rate quicken.

I'm not sure how to answer. Especially with that physical response. "Why do I travel? It's easier. Or why do I heal people? I don't know. I guess it makes me feel useful, you know? I mean I don't really know what other purpose I would have… especially with me moving everywhere all of the time." I blink, realizing, "Or did you mean, why I don't get scared easily?" I meet his eyes for a moment, before looking back to my hands. "I mean… I guess when you're used to being what scares everyone else, you don't really scare very easy." I'm pretty much done healing the gash as I feel something over my shoulder. Someone had opened the door and thrown something in. I close my eyes. Why? Water raises up around my back to shield me from whatever it was and then dissipates. Why would they do that? I turn slightly to see the shock and fear on a young woman's face. "Just get out." I sigh. Great. Now they'll all know. She runs out the door as I shut it behind her with the moisture in the air. I turn to see him staring at me with the most incredulous look on his face, but it is different than the way others have looked at me. Then again, he also isn't running. I know they said he had a demon sealed in him, but I guess since I've never met anyone else like this, I just expect them all to run. Or freeze in fear. But that isn't it, is it?


	3. Shock

In a really twisted way, that was perfect timing. I'd almost laugh. Almost. We're still staring at one another. I break our gaze and look down. "Sorry, I tend to have that effect on people." I laugh bitterly. Not much in his expression changes, but I can tell he is a bit surprised. I mean, I assumed that they had aimed at me. I figured someone had realized who I was or something… all I knew was that they had thrown a kunai and my water had to deflect it. I don't even have to think about it. It just happens. I can use water from anything: my body, somebody else's, the ground, plants, the air- if it's humid, etc. It's been this way ever since I can remember. _I don't know what to do…_ he still seems taken aback, which is usually normal. Well, _usually_ people are a lot more than just taken back, but this is different. He seemed more surprised by what I said than anything. He actually looked quite aggravated at the girl and a bit sad. And then, shocked. _There's always shock._ "Well, I guess you're all patched up now. Unless, I somehow missed something." I say awkwardly, putting my hands down and not knowing how to act now. _Why is he so hard to read?_ "You'll of course want to rest plenty and be careful around your injuries. I've merely just sped the healing process, so it's mostly healed and should be fully healed in a few hours. You did crack a couple ribs and had some bruising on the bone, though, so that will be tender for a while." I'm practically stumbling over my words. _Ugh. I just need to leave. Funny, I just got to this town_.

I turn and start to leave and hear him over my shoulder, "Wait."

I freeze and slowly turn. "…yes?"

His eyes narrow. "Who are you? I've never seen anyone else do something like that." _What an odd statement_. "…besides, aren't you supposed to give me an IV? I'm not complaining…" He speaks so slowly. Carefully and quiet, as if he is expecting _me_ to run.

"My name is Mizuki Tsuyujimo… I've never seen anyone react that well before and no you don't need one. While I was healing you I was hydrating your body with my water jutsu." I stand awkwardly, lightly smiling at the ground. I couldn't seem to make up my mind as to whether I wanted to cross my arms or not, so I just stood there with one hand holding the upper arm of the other.

"…react that well?" He seems confused. I look up to see him staring at me with his forehead wrinkled questioningly.

"Most people freak out, run, scream, freeze up, turn pale… that sort of thing." I say blandly.

"I see…" His expression doesn't change. "Why do you help people, then? If they react the way they do. Actually, how do you help them, then?" He's more relaxed now. Kind of slouched with his arms dangling between his legs off of the side of the bed.

"Well I move so much that most people don't realize who I am. They don't have time to. Which is kind of the point of moving so much. It's easier to move all of the time, than to stay in a place where everyone is terrified of you and don't want you around. But, I don't know, like I said earlier, I don't know what else I'd do. It makes me feel like I have a purpose. If I help others, then at least my life has some sort of meaning, you know? Plus, I guess it makes up for everything…" I trail off at the last part, mortified that I had even started to bring it up.

He blinks at me, completely blank faced. "Interesting…"

I squirm a bit under his gaze. I'm used to people judging me, but actually reading me? _This is a nightmare!_ "Well, what about you? Who are you? "

"I am Gaara." He said simply. It was almost like he was waiting.

I reached my hand out to shake. "Well, Gaara, it was nice to meet you." I smile. He hesitates, but reaches out and shakes my hand and I'm not too sure he's ever done that before. I smile. I kind of don't want to leave. He's so interesting.

"Will you be staying here for very long?" His forehead wrinkles again.

"Well, I figure I have already overstayed my welcome after earlier…" I kind of laugh, it's hard to fake in front of him. Oh. Now he looks almost angry. He starts rubbing his temples. _Did I say something… wrong?_

He sighs and drops his hands. "If you'd like somewhere to stay… It's the least I could do." _What. What do I do. He just… I don't understand._ This man is… so different. So weird. I would like to say I don't mind, but now he's put me in a situation that puts me out of my expertise. I haven't stayed with another person since I left home. What do I do? I mean, I rarely even sleep. Will there be other people? I mean, I'm sure he has family… but then again. They sure aren't here. I think he's noticed now… crap.

"I mean, I don't want to cause you any trouble…" I fidget, I can't help it.

He shrugs and slowly gets up and makes his way across the room. He stops at the door and looks back as if to say, "Are you coming or not?" So I duck my head and follow. As we leave the room, the commons area, right outside the room, goes silent almost immediately. I can't tell who they're staring at. Him? Me? Both of us? He glares at some of them and they quickly look away as we continue to walk away. _Okay, so maybe a little of both_. We walk further and more stares. Some people freeze and gape. _So, it's definitely not just me…_

 **Okay, so I didn't do this earlier, but I DO NOT own Naruto or anything in Naruto or whatever. This is just a musing of my own accord based or the Naruto story, using Naruto characters and whatnot. Hope you like it.**


	4. A Dusty Room

He's been walking quite briskly for a while now. It's like he's on some sort of mission. The town is quite lovely. I have no idea where we are headed, but the people are starting to get on my nerves. They all look super worried and stiff. They don't run, but there's definitely a deliberate amount of space between them and us. It's also not very subtle either.

I look up. It's like he's suddenly noticed that he's been hard to keep up with and has slowed to keep pace with me. Funny, because we aren't around people anymore and he seems so much more relaxed or, at least, I guess that's what you could call it. His eyes seem so much softer now though, but only for a second before he blinks and it's gone and just blank. I relax a bit and realize how tense I was walking here. I guess that's what happens when you walk down the street with people acting like you've got the red death.

We start towards a simple building, which is where I guess he lives. It's tall and skinny like the others in the village, but doesn't really look lived in. He opens the door for me and motions me to go in. _Funny, he's so polite and, yet, people are afraid of him._ I smile and bow a bit as I walk in. I assumed he lived alone, which I figured would mean it would be messy, but it seems relatively clean. It's pretty bare, though: no pictures, no decorations, the walls are a natural color, and there's just some furniture and basics. I stop and wait for him to enter and show me around. I feel so awkward. It's been so long since I've been in a house, much less with another person.

He closes the door and walks ahead with me in tow, down the hall and past the kitchen, _also bare…_ , and up some stairs. We walk down a hallway and he stops and motions me forward, whilst reaching in and turning on the bathroom light. "This is the bathroom. There's towels and other toiletries under the sink if and when you need them." He hesitates and then slowly turns and walks the opposite direction. I guess he's not too familiar with this situation either. _Huh._ I turn the light out and follow him down to the other side of the hallway. He stops in front of the door. It's the only door up here that's closed. He waits long enough for it to get awkward and then opens the door. His shoulders slouched; his body almost curling in on itself. I can't see his face. He moves out of the way and quickly stands behind me. "This was my- …this is the room where you will be staying." He seems tense. I move forward to flip the light on and turn to see that he has turned away from me, his hands in his pockets. "It hasn't really been touched in a long time… so let me know if you need anything." He glances back and then heads towards what I assume to be his room.

I turn back and see that this room is different. It's more personal. I don't know who, but it used to be someone's room. By the way he was acting, though, I guess it was someone who had passed away. I walk in and look around. It's kind of dusty and the shades have been left open. There's a picture frame that's been turned down and when I pick it up there's a photo of a beautiful woman. I put it back and look around. The bed looks comfy with green sheets and past it there's some medical books on a chess of drawers. I wouldn't dare ask after seeing the way he acted, but I can't help but wonder whose room this was. Where were his parents? Perhaps, it was his dad's room? And the photo was his mother? I look out the window and catch the sun setting and it's absolutely beautiful over all of the sand and its village. I guess I might as well relax for a while… at least, pretend to sleep. I lie down and let my thoughts wander for a while. Everything from today took me back to Takigakure. The fear of the other people, their avoidance and tenseness, my anxiety… suddenly I was five and running through the streets again, crying. Someone was chasing me, yelling, calling me a monster, throwing things… trying desperately to hurt me. To kill me. I ran down an alley to find that I had nowhere to go and turned to see kunai headed straight for me. I jerk up with water surrounding me and look around. No-one was around. It had obviously been a dream, but still. I sigh and the water falls. _I wonder if you can get to the roof._

The door was still open so I quietly and carefully stepped through the door and down the hall. _No telling what time it is…_ There's a door with a set of stairs near the bathroom, so I sneak up them without a sound. I've gotten quite good at passing unnoticed over the years. Soon I find that I'm near the top and there's a hatch above my head. I turn the handle and open the door and climb up onto the roof. The city isn't light up very much, so the stars are bright above me and I get goosebumps as the breeze catches behind me. I turn to see the moon in full and a deep orange. It looks so much closer than usual here. I find a spot and lie down and look up at the stars. I probably should've brought a jacket. I forgot how cold the desert can be at night. I study the stars for what seems like forever, occasionally trying to find the few constellations I know and making up my own on the way. By this point, I've made up quite a few.

I get a weird feeling and look over to see Gaara peering at me, halfway out of the hatch. "What are you doing out here?" He takes a few more steps and out onto the roof, hands in pockets.

"…I couldn't sleep. I take it, neither could you?"

"Yeah. I don't really sleep." He shifts and looks away and up to the moon.

"Me either. So much fun! But, hey, the view's worth it, right?" I laugh a bit and he smirks.

"Sure, I guess…"

"Aww… Come on! You can't deny the beauty of that moon! I don't know how anyone in this town sleeps with this kind of view. It's like nothing I've ever seen…" _What the heck has gotten into me? I blame sleep deprivation…_ He shrugs. I look up at him and pat next to me on the roof. "Might as well take a seat…" We hold each other's gaze for a while before I look away to stare at the moon some more. He keeps his distance for a while and then moves a bit closer and sits down with his legs crossed. He's not saying anything, but it's kind of nice having someone here. Why are people so scared of him? I mean, sure, he's pretty guarded and awkward and good at the whole peering-into-your-soul kinda thing, but I mean he seems nice… I guess. I mean I don't really know him. It's not like he's annoying or overbearing. He doesn't look scary either, he's actually kinda… _huh. He's actually kind of attractive... attracting? Hm._ I look over and our eyes meet for a split second before we both look away. My cheeks feel a bit warm. _Those eyes._ _Okay, maybe more than kind of…_


	5. Alone

"Nm." I groan a little frustrated. The morning light cuts through my eyes like tiny daggers. _Oh, man. I must've fallen asleep!_ I turn my head to see the grainy, sandy roof glistening in the light and the city shimmering in the background. If it wasn't so painful to look at it'd be quite mesmerizing. I turn my head to see Gaara a few feet away. _Is he asleep?_ His eyes open and he blinks and glances in my direction.

"I told you I don't sleep." He turns back and closes his eyes again. _How is he doing that? My eyes are on fire, open or closed!_

"Ugh." I roll over and make a very sorry attempt at walking over to the hatch. I'm noticing that I'm covered in dew now that I'm moving. _Bleh._ I get to the opening and look over to notice that he's still lying there with his hands on his stomach and his knees bent in the air. He almost looks like he's asleep. I smile and head down the stairs into the wonderfully cool and dark. _Yessss._ I head back to the room that I was supposed to stay in last night and sit down on the bed. It's _really_ comfy. But I can't let myself sleep. I already risked enough with what little bit I slept last night. I head to the bathroom to take a shower. I awkwardly rummage around for some towels and toiletries. I always hate going through people's stuff. I feel the need to ask for permission for every little thing. It's so awkward. I'm awkward. I finally find what I need and enjoy the warmth of the shower. As odd as it may sound for someone staying in a desert, I was getting kind of chilly, but, then again, I was kind of covered in dew… I wash my clothes in the shower with me out of habit, but, hey, I'm saving him on an extra load of laundry for just one outfit. I hang my clothes to dry on the curtain rod and slip into my other clothes I keep in my backpack. I walk out about the time Gaara is reaching the bottom of the stairs and stop. _Oh my GOSH. What. Is. Wrong with me?_ He blinks at me.

"Are you hungry?" And of course as soon as the words come out of his mouth my stomach simultaneously growls. My eyes widen and my hand flies up to my belly. He raises a brow and smirks.

I blush and laugh lightly, "Well I guess so…" He walks past me and down the stairs, only to turn and give me a weird look for not following. So I raise an eye brow and return the look on my way down. When I round the corner into the kitchen he's rummaging around in the kitchen, I imagine, looking for food. He shrugs and finally pulls out some cereal and sets it on the counter. He gives me a bowl and a spoon.

"I don't have people over very often." He gets out the milk and I start to think that he probably doesn't have anyone over… ever. We pour our cereal and milk and I sit at the bar and eat while he leans against the counter on the other side facing me, but not really looking at me. Somehow I still feel like I'm being watched, but I just shrug it off.

"So is that some kind of special tattoo… or..?" I ask looking at his forehead. He freezes. "I mean it's pretty neat looking, so I was just wondering…" He blinks and looks away.

"It's more of a scar, I guess…" he's trying even harder to look away and is barring his arm across his stomach to hold his elbow.

"Oh." I say and it comes out as if he had told me something very nonchalant, unlike what he actually told me which is obvious by the way he's acting right now _oh crap._ " _Oh._ I mean. It just looked- so I- I didn't mean to.. I'm sorry, I was just curious." _Well great. Awesome. Good job._ I try to look away, but can't seem to look away for too long. _Damn it. He looks so uncomfortable now._

He looks down and then back up at me and shifts uncomfortably a bit. "No it's fine. I just don't really talk about it." He starts putting things in the sink and rinsing them off.

"Here, let me at least help." I hop down off the stool and walk around the counter to the sink and start washing.

"I mean I did it to myself, really…" he mutters and then looks a bit surprised at himself. I try my best not to react, but I stiffen a bit at his reaction.

"What do you mean? Why would you do that?" _Crap. I probably shouldn't be asking_ more _questions._

He stops and kind of stares off. "I was going through a lot. I don't know. It made sense at the time. …I guess I just didn't want to forget…" I just nod a bit. I kind of want to just hug him or _something_ , so he stops looking so uncomfortable. I haven't really hugged anyone or anything in ages though. It'd be so weird. Would I even do it right? _Can_ you even hug someone wrong? I turn towards him and look up at the scar.

"Did it hurt? …does it hurt?"

He shakes his head as if riding himself of something. "Those are two completely different questions." He's avoiding the question, but I can see it in his eyes. I smile lightly and turn back to the dishes.

"Yeah. I know. I ask a lot of questions sometimes. … Thank you for letting me stay with you. It's been a really long time since I've stayed with anyone or been around anyone like this." I finish drying the dishes and he puts them away.

"If anything I should be thanking you."

"Oh, yeah. How are your wounds?" I ask as he turns back to me. Yet, another indecipherable look.

"They're fine.." I think if we were normal people _this_ much eye contact would be weird right now.

I smile. "Well that's good. What happened anyways?" I look up to see a bit of shock and hesitation. "I mean… if you don't mind my asking." I can't help but search his eyes for answers. He's so quiet and guarded compared to the kind of people I'm used to. I can't help but feel bad about it either.

He winces as the words come out. "I was in a fight… Where did you say you were before here?"

"I didn't" I half-heartedly smirk, "but I was in the leaf village before I came here."

He turns away from me to lean against the counter and then turns his face even further so that I can't see it. "You said you feel your purpose is to heal, right?" He shifts uncomfortably again and almost turns to look at me, but turns away again. "Until now I've thought my purpose to be quite opposite of that."

"I'm sorry, I don't quite-"

He turns enough to rub on his temples and lowers his head. "I was in that fight. Our village aided that attack. Albeit with false information and… up until that fight, I have only lived for myself. I felt that if I was constantly overcoming my enemies and those around me that posed a threat, that I would have purpose. Because I made it my purpose." He looks at me and I can't help, but meet his gaze. "You're the second person now that I have met that's like you, yet you're still different. And I don't get it. He had friends to fight for, to make him who he was, but… you're alone."


	6. Sleep

I couldn't help but stare. I mean, he was right, but… I don't know. How else would I be? My brain is processing a lot. "Wait. …what?" I finally manage words after what seemed like ages. My face is probably quite the sight.

"You said people fear you… that you are constantly moving because of it and I'm sure that there's more to it than just that. You two are good, yet, like me, you are alone. So why are you so good?" I think this is the first time I've seen him truly unguarded.

I laugh and it startles him. "You think I'm good?" _Someone thinks I'm good?_ I shake my head. "I don't know. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I'm always _trying_ to be good… do good. I used to be bad. It wasn't on purpose though. I just didn't know how to control what I have. Now I do… for the most part." The last part barely comes out as the fear of losing control takes my breath. It could happen, if I close my eyes and let go. "And I might not have anything to fight for, but then again I've never really chose to stay and fight. People were usually fighting me or protecting each other from me, so fighting them never really occurred to me. The only fighting that happened was on their part or what I did by accident… or like what you saw at the hospital…" I realize that I've been sliding down the cabinet as I curl up on the floor and lean against it. I've never talked about this out loud before, let alone with another person. I feel him moving and I look up, half expecting to see him leaving, but instead see him sliding down the cabinet next to me. I almost feel kind of empty and even though it was a lot more talking than I have ever done, I hadn't really told him much. "So why do you think you're bad?"

He laughed, kind of bitter and terse. "Well I've killed people." His words hung in the air. They had to be hard to say, but he said them so frank, so matter-of-fact like. It almost made me flinch. "I ended up hurting people when I was young too, because I didn't have good control over my…" He struggled for a minute. "Over what I had. People had always feared me, but that made it worse. A lot worse. I wasn't really a bad kid, until too much had happened and I just decided that I was alone and better off that way. Nobody wanted me or cared and people had tried killing me, so I decided it was them against me. The longer I went, the darker I got. Shukaku has a very strong blood thirst, too, which was always… difficult." He paused for a long time. "I guess after a while I started to lose myself. I guess it made it easier." It's almost like he's realizing these things as he's saying them. "Being cold, not feeling… it made what I had to do and deal with easier, but I guess in the end it made it easier to actually be a monster." That word made me flinch. I hate that word. I think he noticed too. I start to turn and look at him, but he laughs, a very dark laugh, and I freeze. "But I guess I never really had the heart to be too bad… I only fought people who threatened me or my siblings." _Siblings?_ "I started to get way out of control, though, until my last fight. By that point I just wanted a fight. That's when I realized that the way I was living wasn't as fool proof as I had thought. Living for just myself… wasn't going to be enough. But I had never seen things really any other way. I had never met anyone who knew what it was like and then I met him… and now here I am with you."

"I don't think you're bad though. When someone is bad, you can feel it. With you, it's different." I look at him. His eyes are sad, still lost in thought.

"Different. How?" He looks back at me, coming out of thought.

"Well…" I turn my head to think. It's hard to organize my thoughts with him looking at me like that. "Honestly?" I look back at him and he nods. "The feelings I get from you are hurt and anger and… loneliness and confusion… and fear. And a lot of sadness. But I also feel a lot of strength and tenderness and curiosity… humility and hope. You're not… you're not a monster. The people who hurt you are closer to being monsters than you. You're human and you did you're best with what you had and knew. That's all anyone can do." I shrug. "The best anyone can do is try to be the best they can be and learn from their mistakes when they happen and if you can, try and make them right." I smile. "You think I'm good, but we're not so different. I've hurt people and killed people too. It was mainly self-defense" I shrug. "But still… I accidentally froze a guy when I was five. It was terrifying. He tried attacking me and it just kind of happened." I shudder and then my arm starts to feel warm and I realize that he's scooted over closer to me. I turn my head only to realize that he is much closer than I had thought. He sighs and puts his head in his hands and rubs his eyes a bit. "What?" I ask, a bit confused.

He loudly breathes in through his hands. "Nothing, sorry. I'm just really tired. You'd think I'd get used to it, but apparently not." He slouches a bit more and I feel really bad for him. Even I slept a bit last night, but I'm pretty tired still too, so I can't imagine. I put my arm around him and he leans on me a bit. His hands drop to his lap and he rests his head on my shoulder. I put my other arm around him and we sit there for a bit, snuggling closer every so often. We sit there long enough that I start to drift and I'm sure he has too, but suddenly he shakes his head a sits up.

"Are you okay?" I ask, blushing a bit. Now that we're apart, I realize how close we were. He has his face in his hands again.

"I can't sleep." He sighs.

"Oh, well-" I start.

"No, I mean I can't. I can't let myself. …it won't be good. Especially with you here." He looks at me, his hands hovering near his face still.

"Why not?" I ask, but then realize that that was probably a stupid question. It's probably not much different than when I sleep.

"I can't control anything. And if I sleep to long or too deep… I'll start to loose myself." I reach up and straighten his hair.

"You need sleep." I stand up and hold my hands out. "I'm going to make sure you get it." He grabs my hands and stands.

"But-"

I cut him off. "For starters, I doubt you could hurt me. Furthermore, I have a similar problem, so I'll just make sure you stay in a light sleep." I smile. "Besides, if you do prove to be any trouble, I'll just wake you up." I turn and drag him upstairs. We get to his room and he sits down on the bed. I look across the room and realize that he hasn't worn the gourd thing since last evening. He sits down on the bed.

"Are you sure…?" He looks at me, worry wrinkling his forehead.

"Yes. Now get in bed and get some sleep." I point at the bed and he slowly gets in and squirms around. He really must not do this often, but then again, who am I to talk? "Would you like me to sit by you?" He looks at me for a long minute as if debating with himself over something and then smiles lightly and nods. I walk over and put my legs under the covers and play with his hair until he starts to drift off. He looks so peaceful and relaxed. I just have to keep it that way. I have no idea how long is too long for him to sleep, but I make a plan to make stir his sleep a bit every hour just to be safe. That should let him get some sleep, but keep us both pretty safe, I think.

 **Please feel free to review! Or send me your thoughts! Thanks!**


	7. Home

He stirred every once in awhile on his own. It was like he was having nightmares. He had looked so peaceful at first, but now he looked so distraught. Playing with his hair had helped, but it wasn't seeming to quite work anymore. Suddenly, he shifts and his face is pressed into my waist and his arm is across my legs. Because he seemed to do it so often when he was upset or tired, I gently rubbed his temple to see if it would help. I wasn't sure that it was working until sand, that I hadn't noticed before, started to fall back to the ground. It had just been floating in the air, so scattered, that I hadn't noticed. I wonder what it is he's dreaming about... or if he is even dreaming at all. Perhaps, he is just locked in his own thoughts or battling with Shukaku on the inside.

His hand gripped the covers next to me and he pulled closer. He wore an expression that I couldn't quite decipher as good or bad. It seems like it's been ages, but I continue to try and keep him calm, but, occasionally, I tap his arm to keep his sleep light. It doesn't wake him, just stirs his sleep a bit. _Is that why he wears such heavy eyeliner?_ I'm studying the thick black that covers most of his eyelids and the underneath. I've been sitting here so long, that I've begun studying everything in the room. I realize that I've stopped doing everything that I had been doing to keep him calm. My heart jumps with worry as I look down to see that he is still calmly sleeping and am relieved. _I wonder what time it is._ The shadows in the hall stretch, which makes me feel that evening is, at least, near. I gently shake his shoulder to try and wake him up and he buries his face further into my side, which makes me giggle. I guess my giggling startled him a bit, because he freezes and sits straight up.

"Did you sleep well?" I reach out for his shoulder, not sure how to remedy his waking. He looks around a bit, as if confused, and then to me and his face softens and he relaxes a bit.

"Yes, actually. Thank you." He smiles and then his forehead wrinkles. "Are you okay?" He reaches for me. "Did I... did anything..."

"No." I say quietly and smile. "Did you have any nightmares or anything? ...was it... peaceful?" I had trouble searching for words. I cocked my head to the side, he looked confused.

"...no..." He brought his hand to his mouth, thinking. "No, I don't think I did. It was more like... like I turned off or something. Is that... weird?" He looked at me, still unsure.

"I don't think so, but then again, what would I know?" I laugh and, playfully, push his shoulder.

He gets up and walks around the bed to me and offers me his hand. I look up and take his hand and he pulls me up to stand right in front of him. He pulls me into a hug, filling what little space that was between us. His cheek is against mine, his lips right next to my ear. "Thank you. Truly. You have no idea... I don't think I've ever been able to sleep like that." He hugs me even tighter. "Thank you." and buries his face in the crook of my neck. I hug a little tighter and rest my chin on his shoulder. I don't say anything. We don't say anything... we just stay like that. For a long time. It feels like hours and seconds at the same time. My mind races and yet it's totally blank. For once in my life I actually feel tethered to the ground I stand on. It made me feel... _Is this what home feels like?_ I nuzzled my face into his shoulder. I feel like every detail of this moment will be etched in my memory forever and for the first time, it will be something good. Something warm and welcoming. Something I want to run to, instead of run from. For the first time since I was very small, my guard is down... and I don't even care.


	8. Whispers

**I'm running. My stomach feels sick. My body is tingling and weightless.** ** _So many voices... why are they all screamming? Why won't they stop?!_** **Leaves and twigs brush past my face. If they scratch me, I don't notice. The voices are getting farther away. I don't know why, but I need to get away, far away. I hear crackling and look to see everything around me freezing solid. Everything is so frozen that it's cracking. I stop and turn, horrified.** ** _No. NO. Not again._** **I can't stop, I'm still too close. I turn and start running again. I don't know where I am going or where I am coming from, but it's dark and if I run into another village like this it won't be good. I stop and climb to the top of a tree to see what's around. There are lights everywhere but east.** ** _I guess that's my best bet._** **I don't know what's there, but I'll find out soon enough. My feet are on the ground running again before I can even think about it. Hopefully, no-one follows me. My trail of frozen forest isn't exactly nonchalant, so if they were dumb enough to decide to form a mob or something, finding me wouldn't be very hard. The night sky becomes more visible as I reach the end of the forest. The moonlight shines on the ground in the distance. I slow, confused.** ** _What is that?_** **I get closer and see what looks like glitter all over the ground. As I emerge from the trees my feet hit something gritty.** ** _Sand?_** **I didn't realize that I was close to the desert. Green eyes shoot through the back of my mind and I drop to my knees, realizing that I can't go any further.** ** _If I go any further, I might end up hurting him._** **I can't remember which way the village is, but I just can't take any chances.** ** _What do I do know?_** **Tears start to sting my eyes and a pit forms in my stomach. I hear rustling and my head jerks up. Suddenly, there are arms around me. I start to fight back and look down.** ** _Wait._** **I know those hands... that material. I turn to see those soul piercing, green eyes staring back at me.** ** _No! He can't be here! He's the last person I want here!_** **And, yet, my heart jumps and I realize that he's the only person I want here. My brain feels like mush, I don't know what to think. I feel hot tears stream down my face as he smiles and pulls me in closer, my head on his shoulder. Slowly my cheek starts to cool and it isn't until it feels icy, that I realize...** ** _NO!_**

 **I jerk awake. Pushing away from everything as I come to. The room is freezing and it's dark.** ** _Where am I?_** **Hands grab mine and pull me forward. A shadowy figure with messy hair.**

 **"** **Shh... It's okay. It's okay. It was just a dream. Are you okay?" He's reassuring me, pulling me closer. I push away, my back against the wall. The curtains next to me move and I see his confused and worried expression in the moonlight. His forehead is wrinkled and he almost looks... hurt? His hands are still in the air from when they were holding mine.**

 **"** **I'm sorry... I... I just don't want." Tears start to sting again.** ** _Damnit. I have to stay calm. I'm not allowed to let my control slip._** **I sniff. "I don't want to hurt you." I look up, only enough to see his hands drop.**

 **"** **I see..." His voice sounds sad. He starts to get up and I close my eyes.** ** _He's leaving..._** **My heart sinks.** ** _That's probably best._** **Oh, but he didn't leave. I feel someone in front of me, a hand on my face, lifting my head up. I open my eyes and my heart jumps. I'm not exactly sure that he can't see everything in my soul in this moment. He rests his forehead on mine, our noses just barely touching and never breaking eye contact. "You won't hurt me."**

 ** _Damnit._** **Tears start to spring again. "Are you okay?" My voice is so tiny and strained. It's pitiful, but I'm trying so hard not to let any of it show. It's stupid, I know, because he's right in front of me. There's really no hiding anything. "I didn't... I didn't hurt you did I?" He pulls me in closer, just like in my dream.**

 **"** **No. I'm fine. I can take a little cold. ...it's not exactly something I'm used to, but I can handle it." His fingers are in my hair and he's rubbing my back, trying to calm me down. My head is spinning.** ** _What is this?_** **I mean, I guess we're friends, but I've never really had one... not really. But, this feels like maybe more.** ** _He's so nice._** **I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder a little more and he hugs me tighter. In this moment, it's like he's holding me together.** ** _What has happened to me? I finally make a friend and lose it?_** **I take a deep breath.**

 **"** **You promise?" It's only mumbles into his shirt and I'm not sure that he hears it until I feel him rest his head in the crook of my neck and hear him say, "Yes."** ** _He's SO warm._** **I rest my chin on his shoulder to look around, thinking that it might not be** ** _that_** **bad.** ** _Oh. Yeah. It IS that bad._** **Everything looked to be covered in frost. Even the bed and covers had a layer of frost on them. The covers laid stiff, the way they were left when I got up, not moving from being frozen. I turned my head, my face against the side of his and felt his hair.. slightly frosty, but warming. My stomach hit the floor.** ** _I did that._** **He seemed fine, otherwise, but I still couldn't help but feel bad.**

 **"** **You're shivering..." I hadn't even noticed.** ** _Wait. What?_**

 **"** **It's probably because you're so warm. I'm used to being cold... but not... this..."** ** _What is this?_** **I move so that we are face to face again. "How are you** ** _not_** **shivering?" He just shrugs and smiles. My heart races. I really hope he doesn't notice that.** ** _We. Are. SO. CLOSE._** **I feel paralyzed.** ** _I don't mind..._** **but at the same time I want to run.** ** _Why am I so scared?_** **His forehead wrinkles.**

 **"** **Are you okay?"** ** _Shit._** **He pulls back a bit and studies my face.** ** _SHIT._** **I can feel my face warm. I can only hope that it's dark enough to hide the blush that I know is all over my face.**

 **"** **Mhm." I duck my head down. "I'm just not used to this... that's all." I can feel him looking at me still.**

 **"** **...Used to what?" He sounds confused. My heart races.**

 **"** **You know... like, being this close" My face is burning.** ** _AHH!_** **I look up for just a second and decide it's too much and look away to the side, away from the light. I feel him get stiff all of the sudden, as if he were just now realizing himself.**

 **"** **...oh..." He starts to let go and back up, slowly. " I'm sor-"**

 **"** **No, no!" It's** ** _so_** **cold now. "It's okay! It's okay." I move towards him. Somehow, it's suddenly, unbearably cold.** ** _How have I never noticed how cold this is? He has to be freezing._** **I start to reach out, but my heart stops and I freeze. "I'm just not used to it... that's all..." I can't bring myself to meet his gaze, so I just stare at his shirt and fold in on myself a bit. "I've never really been this close to someone before. At all. Umm..." I fidget. Getting the words out is getting increasingly difficult. "So...so I don't really know how to..." I trail off. I look up, realizing that I had been staring at my feet, to see him sitting on the bed, staring off and looking really confused. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to- um..."** ** _SINCE WHEN DID WORDS GET SO HARD?!_** **I shake my head, trying to find the words to say. I move towards him and he looks up at me. I grab his hands.** ** _What am I doing?_** **I apparently have no control over my body anymore. I don't know who's steering, but I hope they know what they're doing. All I can do is stare. I have no idea what to say.**

 **"** **So..." He looks at our hands. His forehead wrinkles a bit more. "You don't..." He looks around a little awkwardly and gets up, laces his fingers in mine. "Eh-hmm" He clears his throat. "So... it** ** _doesn't_** **bother you?" He doesn't look up at me until the last word and he looks terrified.** ** _What._**

 **"** **No." It's barely a whisper as I step closer, filling the awkward and almost unbearable gap between us, and gently squeeze his hands. "I don't mind." I think I feel his hands shake a bit and I can't help but close the gap the rest of the way and hold him. We hold each other tight for what seems like seconds and hours at the same time.**

 **Finally, he sighs into my hair, "I'm glad." He moves so that our faces are kind of touching again, his forehead against my temple. "If I were to make you uncomfortable, though, I would stop." I can feel him look up at me and he pulls me tighter. "Nothing's worth that... you would tell me, right?" I can't help but smile.** ** _I think I just might love this boy._**

 **I move my head so that we're facing each other. "Of course."**

 **He closes his eyes and exhales, smiling slightly, "Good." He opens his eyes and his forehead wrinkles a bit. "What?"**

 **I blink, my eyes wide. "What?"**

 **He laughs a bit awkwardly, "Why are you looking at me like that?"**

 **I feel my cheeks warm again. I have to keep stopping myself from looking at my feet, but can't help but squirm. "I'm just happy, I guess." I laugh back, nervously. I feel my feet lift off of the ground and we spin around, still hugging close. When he sets me back down he kisses my forehead and I can't help but giggle. My heart is full.** ** _How could someone so wonderful be pushed to be so distant and reserved, like I saw in the hospital? How... He's so sweet and kind and... loving._**


End file.
